Sunday, February 25, 2007

Gore Comedy Wins

gorebull warming
Al "the ever expanding blimp" Gore brought the audience at the Oscars and the other billion people watching, to their collective knees in hysterical laughter Sunday night. In his acceptance speech for his Oscar for best comedy, Al "the blimp" Gore giggled with glee as he recalled the many late nights spent making up crap for his movie. The crowd roared with laughter as he explained how in reality, CO2 and most of the other supposed "greenhouse gasses" that are going to destroy the earth any minute, occur naturally and that he had no clue what he was talking about. Between his own bursts of laughter, he managed to state that there was no positive correlation between the increase in CO2 and the slight warming trend over the past 100 years and that most of the statistical rise in average temperature during the last century was due to the warm period in the 30's - long before major industrial development. Melissa Etheridge, singer and boot-wearing bulldyke, practically fell off her chair laughing as Gore revealed that the science is inconclusive and that solar activity is the probable cause of climate change over the past 20,000 years. As the music played, signaling that Gore's fleeting minutes of fame were up, Gore skipped off the stage to raucous laughter and applause. In his brilliant comedic mind, Gore was already planning a sequel to his first comedy. Maybe he'd tell his life story and call it, "Gore, an inconvenient piece of crap". "Yeah", he thought, "just like the dog excrement that inconveniently ends up on the bottom of your shoe; that's just like me!"

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Simple Math

simple math
The Republicans in Congress have failed another simple math test. This past week 17 Republican House members and 7 Republican Senators crossed over into the land of insanity and voted to symbolically spank the President. Essentially, they went to the other side of the field and cheered for the other team - that team being Islamo-fascists. The Dems have been encouraging the enemy for years, but now there are a significant amount of spineless Republicans, worried about their seats, that are willing to join them. Because of the Republicans failure to understand what's at stake, their inability to lead and the reasons for their recent loss, it's time to flunk them and look for another class. We all correctly assume that the treasonous, hate-filled Demoncrats are chomping at the bit to hurt our country by losing in Iraq, putting their heads in the sand and turning the country into another failed euro-style, socialist utopia, but to see the Republicans willingly get into bed with the sociopaths is breathtakingly disappointing. After losing power in November, I had hoped that Republicans would have learned their lesson as to why they lost, but of course, being the out of touch career politicians that they are, they misread the election and chose to believe the lefty media and have now turned on their own caucus and run like the yellow cowards that they obviously are. As far as I'm concerned, they can keep running all the way home. We need to purge congress of these morons and elect true conservatives that care more for the country than they do for their cushy office seats. I have proudly given my hard earned cash to Republican causes in the past, but that has ended for now. The current crop of leadership (if you can call it that) is doing nothing except waving white flags as they run to the left. I hate to admit it but this group is as Julia Roberts said, " found between Reptile and Repugnant". And Julia Roberts is an idiot!

Look, as I said, Demoncrats hate everything about this country. We know that. Oh sure, they claim to be patriotic by standing next to the flag and repeating the same mantra such as, "we support the troops", and "we love America, we just want to make it better", etc. But actions speak louder than words. It is so disappointing to hear republicans spouting the same bile as the enemy within. Our country is in peril. We are at war with an enemy that values death more than life. The Dems don't care. The rest of us do. We need representation in Washington that understands the reality of the world we live in, not spineless career politicians that only think about their overly generous pensions and their Washington perks.

Would someone please flush, and then run the fan for a while because it stinks in Washington right now!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Run Al, Run!

I think it is our civic duty as patriotic Americans to contact Al Gore and insist that he run for president. Since he will undoubtedly take home an Oscar for his "documentary", "A Convenient Myth", he should definitely parlay that glorious moment into his bid for the presidency, which was so wrongfully denied him in 2000. Unfortunately for Al, the evil cabal of conservatives on the Supreme Court and George Bush and his powerful oil industry friends stole the election away from the deserving Al Gore. Just think of how the election of Al Gore in 2000 could have changed everything. What a different world we would be in today.

First of all, Gore would have hopped on a glider (no green house gas emissions from those pesky jet engines), and gone over to Kyoto and signed the treaty. This, of course would have sent the US economy into a tailspin, virtually shutting down industry, causing huge job loss throughout the country and instantly relegating America as a second tier, former superpower, but hey, so what! Global warming would be all but gone and would no longer be the most threatening cataclysm facing the world since the Disco assault of the late 70's.

Next, Gore would probably have been able to stop the terrorist attacks of 9-11 by engaging in dialog with Bin laden and Al Qaeda and come to a mutually beneficial resolution. Maybe Gore could have negotiated an acceptable number of Jews and Christians to be slaughtered and sacrificed for the sake of the greater peace and the advancement of Islam. Also, maybe he could have convinced them to start using "earth friendly" bombs that don't have the same environmental impact as conventional explosives. But, if not, and the attacks happened anyway, I'm sure he would have responded with a number of presidential proclamations making Islamic sensitivity training mandatory, and would have established cultural awareness centers celebrating the life and teachings of the prophet Mohammed. There would be no war, the earth would be ecologically in perfect balance and peace and understanding would be the global norm. Oh please give us Al Gore! The world needs this man!

But the most appealing facet of a Gore presidential run would be the dirt he could sling Hillary's way. It would no doubt be the most entertaining campaign in our history. Just imagine a Demoncratic primary debate with Hillary, Gore, Edwards, Obama and the ever present and annoying Dennis Kucinich. This would be the funniest freak show ever seen!

Moderator: "Mr. Gore, Why do you think you would be a better president than your fellow candidates?"

Al Gore: "Well, I will save the environment, turn America into the socialist utopia that I've always imagined and make sure that George Bush and all conservatives go to re-education camps until they see the light of the secular progressive movement. Also, I've seen the real Hillary. Satan in a pantsuit! How can you trust a political whore who talks about integrity and the empowerment of women from one side of her mouth, but from the other, protects her political partner from the consequences of doing interns, campaign staff, friends wives and anyone else within arms reach? She's even more of a joke than I am!"

You know that he couldn't resist the opportunity for a little payback against "Hillbilly". In all reality, Gore probably would have been president in 2000 had Clinton had any class and dignity at all and done the right thing and resigned, making Gore a sitting president. But as we all know, the words Clintons and class are never found in the same sentence.

So run Al, run. At this point, the country needs a laugh, and you're it!