Saturday, February 10, 2007
I think it is our civic duty as patriotic Americans to contact Al Gore and insist that he run for president. Since he will undoubtedly take home an Oscar for his "documentary", "A Convenient Myth", he should definitely parlay that glorious moment into his bid for the presidency, which was so wrongfully denied him in 2000. Unfortunately for Al, the evil cabal of conservatives on the Supreme Court and George Bush and his powerful oil industry friends stole the election away from the deserving Al Gore. Just think of how the election of Al Gore in 2000 could have changed everything. What a different world we would be in today.
First of all, Gore would have hopped on a glider (no green house gas emissions from those pesky jet engines), and gone over to Kyoto and signed the treaty. This, of course would have sent the US economy into a tailspin, virtually shutting down industry, causing huge job loss throughout the country and instantly relegating America as a second tier, former superpower, but hey, so what! Global warming would be all but gone and would no longer be the most threatening cataclysm facing the world since the Disco assault of the late 70's.
Next, Gore would probably have been able to stop the terrorist attacks of 9-11 by engaging in dialog with Bin laden and Al Qaeda and come to a mutually beneficial resolution. Maybe Gore could have negotiated an acceptable number of Jews and Christians to be slaughtered and sacrificed for the sake of the greater peace and the advancement of Islam. Also, maybe he could have convinced them to start using "earth friendly" bombs that don't have the same environmental impact as conventional explosives. But, if not, and the attacks happened anyway, I'm sure he would have responded with a number of presidential proclamations making Islamic sensitivity training mandatory, and would have established cultural awareness centers celebrating the life and teachings of the prophet Mohammed. There would be no war, the earth would be ecologically in perfect balance and peace and understanding would be the global norm. Oh please give us Al Gore! The world needs this man!
But the most appealing facet of a Gore presidential run would be the dirt he could sling Hillary's way. It would no doubt be the most entertaining campaign in our history. Just imagine a Demoncratic primary debate with Hillary, Gore, Edwards, Obama and the ever present and annoying Dennis Kucinich. This would be the funniest freak show ever seen!
Moderator: "Mr. Gore, Why do you think you would be a better president than your fellow candidates?"
Al Gore: "Well, I will save the environment, turn America into the socialist utopia that I've always imagined and make sure that George Bush and all conservatives go to re-education camps until they see the light of the secular progressive movement. Also, I've seen the real Hillary. Satan in a pantsuit! How can you trust a political whore who talks about integrity and the empowerment of women from one side of her mouth, but from the other, protects her political partner from the consequences of doing interns, campaign staff, friends wives and anyone else within arms reach? She's even more of a joke than I am!"
You know that he couldn't resist the opportunity for a little payback against "Hillbilly". In all reality, Gore probably would have been president in 2000 had Clinton had any class and dignity at all and done the right thing and resigned, making Gore a sitting president. But as we all know, the words Clintons and class are never found in the same sentence.
So run Al, run. At this point, the country needs a laugh, and you're it!